I've started a meditation practice this week. I figure learning how to be present and grounded in the moment can come in handy now, when I'm prone to making terrifying mental leaps to a bleak, impoverished future. I've made a few feeble attempts at meditation in the past but couldn't ever seem to quiet the jibbering thoughts the Buddhists call "monkey mind" and the physical fidgets that would set in within what felt like the first minute. But I'm feeling really tolerant of myself lately, squishy and open to new experiences and feelings, and I feel comfortable finding my own way to just sit there. That's all it is, really—just sitting there. I went to an intro "class" at a local meditation center this weekend and I felt frustrated by how goal-oriented my fellow sitters were, overly concerned about how they should do it and what was supposed to happen. I felt like they were missing the point entirely: you're just sitting there, present in the moment. That's all that happens. Does it really matter if your eyes are open or closed, or where your hands are? It's not mattering to me right now. I sit up straight and make myself comfortable, close my eyes and Just. Sit. There. For 15 minutes, I let my stomach hang out, breathe through my nose, and remind myself that I'm right there on that pillow. Grounded like a tree, there and then, totally tolerant of whatever happens. I give myself gentle corrections when my thoughts zip off into the future or the past, I try to ignore the passing of minutes and my dog who sits up in front of me, mirroring my posture, wanting my attention. I'm just sitting there, and when I'm done, I feel quiet, relaxed, and gifted. I gave myself 15 minutes in the moment. I hope with continued practice I can give myself more, that I'll learn to tolerate more.
But that's jumping ahead.
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